In this Issue:

  • What Makes Marriage Work Better?
  • Relationships in the News
  • 2010 Website Updates


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(c) Copyright 2010, Marci Payne, MA, LPC (No reprint or copy without written permission from author.)

Marci Payne, MA, LPC

19401 E US Hwy 40, Suite 140
Independence, MO 64055

Call to schedule an appointment:
816-373-6761 ext 2

Linked In: http://www.linkedin.com/in/marcipayne

Blog: http://privatepracticeconnection.blogspot.com/



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What Makes Marriage Work Better?

      A couple meets, falls in love, and decides to marry – there are butterflies, long talks, and an intense attraction.  The wedding is a celebration of their love and life beginning together.  It is a new start, filled with anticipation of memories to make and moments to share.  The couple can’t imagine anyone else they’d rather share their life with. 

So, what makes some marriages work and some not?  With a divorce rate of 50% and an infidelity rate ranging from 25-70% of marriages, it’s an important question to consider.  Isn’t marriage supposed to make life easier?  That is, to marry is to have someone to share life’s burdens as well as joys.  Yet, people often report they can’t live with their spouse, and they can’t live without them either.  I am going to present my thoughts on the subject of making marriages more stable and functional.

Couples come to my office feeling hopeless.  They’ve tried to fix their marital problems, but nothing they’ve tried seems to make the changes last.  The three most commonly reported complaints from married couples in my office are: marriage conflict, lack of communication, or dysfunctional spouse.  I think of these problems as symptoms of underlying marital processes.  They may be part of the problem, but not the whole problem.  Let me illustrate with a metaphor from Phil Klever, therapist/author/marriage researcher:

“A couple living in a house with cracked walls may want to plaster and wallpaper over the cracks,
which provides a short term solution to the problem.  Another direction the couple may choose is
to fix the foundation before they wallpaper so the walls do not crack –
a more solid, long term approach.”

So, how do you improve the foundation of your marriage?  This may surprise some of you.  It is NOT by trying to change your spouse, and it is not by taking responsibility for improving your relationship.  In fact, Dr. John Gottman, psychologist/marriage researcher/author, has found the biggest predictor of divorce is "contempt" (looking down on your spouse &/or thinking you know better than your spouse).  It is by working on yourself, your reactions and interactions, that makes the foundation of the marriage more stable.  Five markers of a more functional marriage observed by Phil Klever in his research are:

1.Tolerating differences between spouses
2.Wider range of personal topics they can talk about
3.Guided by their thoughts more than their emotions
4.Discern when to compromise and when to maintain a bottom line
5.Clearly defined positions on important issues

No one can do these things all the time, and every relationship has its ups and downs.  Some marriages are more intense and scratchy from the beginning and some intensify over time.  No matter where you are at, know that you can learn to recognize and modify how your reactions contribute to symptoms. 

      It can be hard to see these marital processes without a coach trained in studying family emotional processes.  It especially hard to see how the bigger picture is contributing to cracks in the marriage when stress and anxiety is high.  Under stress, many people keep doing the same thing even when it is not working.  Most people wait until a crisis to consult a marriage counselor and/or relationship coach.  Yet, you don’t have to wait until the cracks are big or you have convinced your spouse to come with you.  A neutral person can coach you to find answers to your questions and problems.  Once you start looking, you will notice you have lots of opportunities to practice these new ways of connecting with the important people in your life, especially in your marriage.       

References:
Gottman, John (1999).  Seven Principles for Making Your Marriage Work.
Klever, Phil (1998).  Marital Fusion & Differentiation. In Clinical Applications for Bowen Family Systems Theory, Peter Titelman (ed.)

Relationships in the News:

University of Iowa (2010, February 1). Couples can overdo being supportive. Science Daily.

Stein, Rob (2009, December 1).  Loneliness is transmittable, researchers say.  The Washington Post.

Lyon, Lindsay (2009, June 24).  Using Positive Psychology in Your Relationships.  US News & World Report.
2010 Website Updates

I launched my website in 2008, and it was time for some changes.  Click below to view the updated pages.  I'm interested in your comments and feedback!

My Introduction -  http://www.marcipayne.com 

My educational & professional training - http://www.marcipayne.com/about.html

Frequently Asked Questions - http://www.marcipayne.com/staff.html

Newsletter Archive - http://www.marcipayne.com/testimonials.html