In this Issue:
- Balancing Marriage & Kids
- Interview on Relationships 360 TV Show
- New Summer Hours
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Marci Payne, MA, LPC
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Balancing Marriage & Kids
Do you find it hard to balance being a parent and a spouse? Do your kids seem to need so much of your time right now? Are you waiting until your kids get older to have alone time with your spouse? One thing growing families aren't always aware of is the impact that anxiety can have on connecting your spouse. Managing anxiety can help you be more present, open, and playful with your spouse.
Let me illustrate how unacknowledged anxiety can wreak havoc on your marriage. Imagine a triangle made up of a father, mother, and their new baby. Ann, the mother, was anxious about being intimate with her husband, Joe, after the baby was born. She didn't like how much her body had changed. Ann was worried that she wasn't attractive anymore, so she started falling asleep in the baby's room. Can you see how Ann's anxiety is leading her to pull away from Joe?
Meanwhile, Joe starts to take Ann's absence in bed personally. Joe's unsure how to initiate intimacy, and is worried about being turned down. To cope, Joe begins working longer hours, because his work is where he feels most confident. When Joe is home, he is more critical and irritable with Ann. This backfires, as Ann is now not wanting to spend any time alone with Joe in order to avoid conflict. Can you see how Joe's anxiety is increasing the distance between them?
It may seem like this couple is caught in a vicious cycle with no way out. The good news is there is a way out. Recognizing they both have a part in creating this problem is the first step to finding a new way to relate to each other. For example, Ann can be more open with her spouse about her discomfort with her body. While, Joe can also take her time with the baby less personally. In doing so, this couple would realize that they are both trying to adapt to their growing family. Ann and Joe want the same thing, to enjoy each others' company while creating a bigger family. Yet, their anxiety and tension were so high that it got in the way of them truly knowing each other.
I think this quote by Louise Rausen, faculty member at Bowen Center for Study of the Family, illustrates the impact anxiety can have on finding a way out of marriage problems: “creative thinking and problem solving are often out of the question when anxiety is high.” The couple above would not be open to creative time management strategies for balancing marriage and kids until at least one of them acknowledged and reduced anxiety.
Once Ann & Joe were on the right track, they may have found some of the following ideas helpful in carving out one-on-one time with each other:
1.Once a day, set the kids bedtime before the parent's bedtime.
2.Once a week, feed your kids first, so you can share a meal with just your spouse.
3.Once a month, get a babysitter so you can have a date with your spouse. If money is tight, find another couple with kids who is willing to swap babysitting services for free.
4.Once in awhile, take an overnight vacation with your spouse.
What works for you to better balance marriage and kids? When are you more open and personal with your spouse? Marriage can be really frustrating until you see you have a part in creating a more open, present, and playful marriage. Instead of waiting for your spouse to change, uncover your part of the problem. In doing so, you will discover you have choices that you never knew were possible.
Interview on the Relationships 360 TV Show:
For more information on "Balancing Marriage & Kids", view my interview on the Relationships 360 TV Show. It will air in Kansas City for the month of June and July at:
Tues - 6PM
Thurs - 2PM
Sat - 9AM
Sun - NOON
Cable Channels - Time Warner 18 and Comcast 25
Or, click here to view clips of the show on You Tube
I have new summer hours:
I'm available to see clients during the following hours:
Tuesdays 9am - 4pm, 7-9pm
Wednesdays 7-9pm
Thursdays 9am - 5pm
Saturdays 9am - Noon
Call today to determine if my practice is a good match for you.
Individual, Marriage, and Family Counselor
